Saturday, May 31, 2014

A Dear John letter


Dear John,
Today I broke. I am so sorry. It was one of the long Saturdays when we don't break it up enough, when we expect too much from you, when I get overwhelmed and just want to want a minute. Truth be told, I don't want to play with you all the time. Don't get me wrong, I adore when we squirt each other with the hose, play and splash around in your pool, play trains and tractors, and of course, sing along with you as you belt out everything from Eminem to The Sound of Music.But sometimes on the 765th time of "backpack backpack", I become overwhelmed. I just want Pop to get you and drive you around, I want a break.
Admittedly, when you threw your IPAD in the pool, went to the bathroom on the floor, ate the frozen yogurt with your hands, knocked over the dog's water for the third time, put your open Gatorade bottle that was half full on my bed, pulled all of your sister's clothes out of the drawers, and took everything out of your brother's closet-I got angry. I grabbed your arm too hard, I yelled, I asked you questions you wouldn't or couldn't answer. What I did was lose control. I hate when I do that, when I am weak. I can imagine Mimo would say that weakness is unbecoming, and she'd be right. I fell apart. And the guilt is awful. You deserve better. You don't make eye contact often, but when you do, I sometimes feel you are looking through me, wondering how I don't get it by now. And I can't  help and think of what you'd say to me if you could. Help me, play with me, understand me, know me?  I want you do know I am trying.
 I felt like we had a good first part of the day. We played, took a walk, had your favorite foods, watched your shows, went outside. So I keep asking myself- what happened? I ask that question, knowing I may never have the answer.
I want you to know your curiosity, mischievousness, and "being a boy" are my very favorite things about you. Your perseverance to have whatever it is you want at that exact moment is not your fault, that is my blood running through your veins. I just hope you understand that I am doing the best I can, that I love you with all my heart and that I promise I will do better tomorrow.
This Dear John letter is a bit different, it is a commitment to you my dear Johnny, to your development, to your happiness. It has been and is going to be quite a ride, we both better hold on.......
A little light reading...............