Elizabeth

Oh my gosh, I remember. These days a lot of my former life is a blur. Life, it passes in an instant. It's true what they say.  The days are so long. The years so short. But, the day you were born.  I remember it.  I remember knowing.  Knowing you were not ok, feeling that burden of a future unknown.  Yet, the love was so crazy strong, so overwhelming. That love would carry me, us, to the next step- to the future-to whatever it was, whatever it will be.  I held you, my third and last child and in all of your smallness; I felt the weight of your enormous spirit.  I felt your will to breathe, to eat, to smile, to flourish.  Your mightiness gave me an unquenchable thirst to get up, keep getting up.  I have you to thank.  To thank for countless tears, too many sleepless nights, unimaginable grief.  I have you to thank for perseverance only a mother can know, strength only a mother can muster, love only a mother can feel. I don't even know what this day will bring, every day I cannot control. But I remember holding you in my arms and knowing that we would brave it together. My daughter you have taken so much from me and for that I am grateful because you have given me infinitely more. You took my fear, you took my uncertainty, you took my weakness and you turned into an unbreakable bond. I want you to forever know, I am grateful for all you have taken because the gift of your presence and of your strength-these are things I couldn't have mustered alone.  I was not whole before you.  Thank you for breaking me into a million pieces and thank you my sweet girl, for putting me back together again.

Look at Her

I have a little exercise I want to try and I hope you will join me.  Sit or stand in front of a mirror and read this post on your smart phone or computer.


Look at her with compassion not animosity
Look at with her love not indifference
Look at her with trust not skepticism
Look at her with empathy not criticism
Look at her with acceptance not judgment
Look at her with confidence not doubt
Look at her with humanity not cruelty
Look at her with kindness not contempt
Look at her with gratitude not obligation
Look at her with respect not envy
Look at her with pride not shame
Look at her as capable not broken
Look at her as strong not shattered
Look at her as graceful not clumsy
Look at her as good not inept
Look at her as full not hollow

Look at her as everything she is and is striving to be.

Now, look at her (you).

If we can do these things while looking at ourselves, maybe we can begin to do them when we look at others.

She's the gift I was given to start really looking at myself
 and also to start loving myself.  

Champion

Tuesday Tribute

Apparently it went down something like this.  Twelve seconds left in the district tournament, the game is all tied up, Highlands has the ball. Jake checks in to shoot.  Now, Jacob has a ton of great qualities, I won't go into all of them, but performance under intense pressure was not one I would've listed.  The crowd was so loud and hostile, the boys were not on their home court, they were on the opponent's court and adults and children alike were screaming at the top of their lungs-against my baby. Back to the game-Jake dribbles and pump fakes the three point shot his coach instructs him to take.  He drives in and as the clock is ticking down, he is fouled.  Are you kidding me? It is just too much for my heart to take. Anyway, he runs, unaffected, to the line. Swish. Nothing but net. Our coach calls a time out. What? Why? Apparently he is setting up the defense, we live in Kentucky, heaven forbid there be a Christian Laettner moment.  Jacob comes out of the huddle and runs directly back to the line and once again, as if there wasn't a doubt, makes his shot. Cool as a cucumber. The opponents have the ball, it is tipped on an inbound pass. Highlands gets the ball back-game over-the 6th grade team are district champions! For an eleven year-old boy who lives and dies by sport, this must have been the most memorable events of his life.  It was one of the proudest moments of mine. Not because he made the shot, those will come and go, but because he took the shot, because he competes, because he tries.
Except I left out one minor detail..... I wasn't there. Usually if I miss a game I would have been with one or both of our other children; not this time. This time I was out of town with friends on a girls weekend. Can you imagine the guilt? I still can hardly stand it!  Luckily, I have relived this moment with him and his dad over and over, but my heart still aches. And thank goodness, he has spared me more heartbreak by not mentioning my absence. Maybe because had I been there, I would have jinxed it. I have a tendency to do that, and anyway I don't know if my heart could have taken it.  My anxiety might have derailed us both. (if you didn't take Psychology 101 as an elective, they call this "rationalization".)
But guess what, as usual, as much as I try to make it so, it isn't about me.  It was about him, his team, his tournament-and he did it. For that moment, he was a star.

Cousins, Buddies, and Ballers
6th Grade Boys and Girls District Champions

Havin' the time of your life

Tribute Tuesday

Today's post was going to be hilarious. It was going to be a great story.  If I told you that the inspiration behind it was the Mother/Son '70's Disco Dance at Woodfill Elementary with Johnny, you would read because you would assume there was going to be something really funny/embarrassing/silly to tell. I mean, you can't really go somewhere with Johnny and not have something hysterical happen. Maybe not hysterical at the time, but a "look back on it and it's funny" kind of thing (refer to Red's Field Trip Extravaganza post if you want to know what I mean ;)).
But, unbelievably, the dance turned out to be uneventful and normal even.
Sure Johnny pointed to my mouth a gazillion times so I would sing the "This is freakin' awesome" line (yes, I know that isn't the real lyric) over and over from Thrift Shop his left ear while he played his Dora phone in his right ear as the disco ball spun in all of its florescent glory and simultaneously huge speakers blared really loud music throughout the elementary school cafeteria.  The child can apparently not be overstimulated. And yes, he did try to get back behind locked doors to where they would normally be serving food for lunch. Oh sure, he ran out the front doors outside only to run right back in about 30 times. Of course, he tried to climb under and between the stacked chairs and tables that were blocking off the gym. Occasionally, or every two to three minutes, he would drink a few half empty Sprites that belonged to other people (oh, and maybe a couple Gatorade's). But that is all pretty typical stuff.  Johnny didn't get out there and dance, but certainly knew the "words" to each and every song (he's my music guy), and he showed a vague, albeit definitive, interest in what was happening around him. Success!
What does that have to do with Tribute Tuesday?  Not a lot, so this is not a tribute to Johnny. Even though I was super proud of him for giving it a chance. This post is a tribute to the moms at the dance. It's a tribute to how you are raising your sons. It's actually more of a thank you.
Thank you to the many moms for asking your son to say hello even if he knew Johnny wouldn't say hi back. I know they do it every day-please know it does not go unnoticed. Thank you to the mom who asked if he wanted to get in a picture with the other kids, even though we knew he wouldn't stand still long enough. Thanks to the mom who told your son to ask Johnny to dance with the rest of the boys even though we knew he wouldn't go or even acknowledge he'd been asked in the first place. Thanks to all of you for trying to "chat" with me even though you knew I couldn't stop for conversation-please know I wanted to! Thank you for being genuinely excited that we were there. Thank you for being great moms and wonderful people. I often think what kind of mom I would be if all my children were "typical". I hope I would be like you.

Do not adjust your screen, this is blurry and as good as it gets!

Tribute Tuesday

My friends-what I wish you knew

I wish you had the confidence in yourself that I do in you. The confidence you need as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee-you are amazing in all of your roles. I know you are tired, run down, pushed to the brink, but I wish you saw what I saw. I know it is not easy and I understand why.
I understand that now you are responsible for another person's life, their life.  How is it that when we were coming out of college, going to graduate school or interviewing for jobs, choosing mates, we had more confidence than we do now.  We knew we were good enough and smart enough because we were! We still are, even more so.  It seems, though, that now that we are mothers-when it comes to our children, we are so worried that we will do something wrong and screw everything up.  And of course, we will. We will say and do lots of things that we wish we would've said and done differently. Intuitively, we know this. But in reality, we are scared to death of it.
But even when it doesn't work out or "look" like we thought it should, you will be ok.  How do I know that? You are you.  You are so thoughtful, so smart, so beautiful, so unbelievably strong.  You are going to do the best you can and I've seen a lot of your best (and some of the worst, as you have seen mine :)). I have also seen you excel and do wonderful things and now that you are doing the most important thing, motherhood, I don't want you to doubt yourself. Your children love you deeply as you love them.  No matter what happens in the future, I know-because I know you, that you will excel and some things will work out and others will not.  I also know you wish you knew what the obstacles were going to be, but know this- that you will love through them.  You will not break, but you will bend, and that is ok.  Allow yourself to do that.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, allow your children to do the same.  I am not saying this because I am practicing it myself all the time, but I want to. I want to tell myself mostly positive things so I can pass inner strength along to my children. I want that for you too. Let's promise to laugh more and cry less. Let's promise to always be there for each other as we always have been. Let's continue to inspire each other.  Of course, I know all of this is so much easier said than done. I am confident though, as friends, we can get through it together. I am so grateful for that and for you.

Tribute Tuesday

Interview with a Grandmother

My Grandmother is 87 years-old and she is a phenomenon.  She keeps up with, has an opinion on, and speaks eloquently on everything from football to politics.  It is really amazing to have a conversation with her. Recently, I asked her to have lunch with me so I could pick her brain about her long and full life.  What she shared reinforced my high opinion of her.  I hope to use it in my daily life, feel free to do with it what you will.
She was an 18 years-old girl with a baby barely over two weeks and her husband had already been drafted into the US Army.  Seems normal enough  "in those times", I guess, until her 22 year-old husband's plane goes down in a crash that kills him immediately.  His name was Ken Alexander and he never saw his new baby boy; Grandmama remembers her young husband fondly.  A man with a lot of friends whom everyone liked with a good disposition. A new father, smart and attractive. Thankfully, that event alone was enough to shape a person, but certainly not break a person, at least not her. In my mind, this was probably where she became the strong force of a woman that I have always known her to be.  Mom, Mary Louise, Mary, Grandmama, HoneyGram, Mona, Honey, and Grandma are her titles and she has held them all with strength and grace and still does to this day!  I thought it so interesting that one of the things she is most proud of is the melding of families over the years of her children's spouses. She has four children and the building of the extended family has always been a priority for her. She said of having children, "I don't know what my life would be without them."  Dad, Jane, Ann, and Sally are very fortunate indeed.

Grandmama worked outside the home while she was having children and loved working.  She loved to feel valued in a job and enjoyed different roles in event planning.  She still has a name plate displayed in her apartment that says Mary Davis, Social Chairperson.  I love that!  She is the first to admit that she was able to work because she had help. Get this, Grandmama's mother and aunt lived with her and my Grandfather- her Aunt Edie for 18 years! They had 8 people in one house, six women, two men-1 bathroom!

And, of course, there's Papaw.  My grandfather was everything to all who knew him.  A teacher, a coach, a father, a grandfather-and so much more-that was Don Davis.  I thought it telling when I asked Grandmama what her best advice would be and she said-"It is really important who you marry."  Easy for her to say, she married Papaw and hit the jackpot!  She described him as selfless, putting everyone above himself. They were married for 56 years. Papaw died on January 14, 2002, it was one of the saddest days of my life. And that it just occurred to me that today is also January 14, which brings my heart an overwhelming sense of both joy and sadness. Grandmama remembered something Papaw would say to his children, "Remember who you are." What we say as parents now, "don't do anything stupid and embarrass me!"  I like his version better. As a coach, when a kid would make a mistake and start making excuses and comment, "but I thought",  Papaw would come back with, "That's your problem, you think too much." I can just picture him saying that.  He never had malice or meanness in his voice- but he could be matter-of-fact. Papaw was pure love, commitment, honesty, fun, and family. And I must mention the chalkboard in Grandmama's kitchen that reads, "I love you," which Papaw wrote to her which has never been erased, and whenever I see it; I am reminded of what a gift he was. I relished in hearing my Grandmother speak of him exactly as I had remembered.

Even though these are just a few nuggets from Grandmama's rich life, I hope to learn more from her in the days to come. I understand that a blog posting could never do justice to all of the experiences and accomplishments that have happened over 8 decades, but even a small part of her long life is worth sharing.