Monday, March 24, 2014


I have never thought of myself as fearful, vulnerable, assailed by doubts, dare I say-a weak person. But, these feelings have been wracking my mind and my soul lately.  Is it the typical ups and downs of motherhood, the stay-at-home thing (and it's not work at home in this case-my kids are in school, my house is a mess, and we have no food :)). Maybe it is just feeling a lack of purpose?  I am not sure, but it has been eating away at me for some time. And I have done the drill-you know the drill- the positive talk, smiling for no apparent reason whatsoever, yoga/meditation. And it is not that they don't work-they do, it's the consistency of it all.  The day in and day out.  So I decided  to look to some quotes for motivation.  I picked a few of my favorites and added a little spin/sarcasm just for fun.

"Walk a mile in my shoes."
You don't want any part of that!  Let's walk a mile in Sarah Jessica Parker's shoes.

"The proof is in the pudding."
Lies! The proof is in the Kit Kats, Doritos and Wine, which leads to the inevitable proof of saddlebags and love handles

"You can be whatever you want to be."
OK, I want to be Beyonce.

"You might have to fight a battle more than once to win it."-Margaret Thatcher
Don't I know it sister.

"Hope is a waking dream." -Aristotle
I hope to go back to bed.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."-Winston Churchill
But it's such a long walk.

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away."-Anonymous
My gift is bingeing, who wants it?

"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."-Henry Ford
I hate accountability.

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."-Dalai Lama
I'm starting to crack-this one is so good. The fog is lifting- ignore everything I said in the above post and have a great day! ;)

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Time, what have you done to me?

Birds chirping, sunlight, walking the dog, playing outside with the kids-all wonderfully spectacular signs of Spring. Spring also brings birthdays for both my boys, my brother-in-law and my nephew. So much to celebrate!  Recently my mother-in-law sent an email about their upcoming visit to celebrate aforementioned birthdays and said she is refusing to face the fact she has a son turning 40. Even though I am turning 40 this year as well, I had to read her comment again and again. How could this be, that her first born is turning 40? I totally get it though, I am freaked out about having a preteen son so having a child turn 40 would be so crazy! I guess that feeling never goes away. Plus, she and my father-in-law are fit and active and travel and have a fabulous life, and I think of them as being 50ish!  I know-not possible-she didn't have her first baby at ten. You know how you feel when you haven't seen an acquaintance's kids for awhile and you remember them toddling around and then you run into those same kids and they have braces and are 4 inches taller than you, its probably like that. The passage of time smacks you right in the face. It certainly makes me want to stop time and not in a botox kind-of way (not that there's anything wrong with that), just to slow things down a bit.  My sisters and I were talking about it last weekend. The days, weeks, years are flying by.  I know I have complained relentlessly all winter about the snow days being endless, and no doubt they were loooooong, but where are the years going? I realize you can't have it both ways, make the days go fast, but the years slow down. Actually, you cannot have it either way now that I think about it. :/
I have to be careful when reflecting on these moments, this can be a slippery slope for me. It is critical to my personal growth  sanity, not to compare my life with others, especially in situations when others talk about their kids growing up, going to college, marrying, moving out-because it sometimes makes my own reality seem daunting. Why? Because Adam and I may never be "empty nester's" or grandparents or alone again....ever. And that has to be ok, really it has to be better than ok. In fact, it has to be a life to look forward to.  Even if John and Elizabeth's future may be very different from the norm- it certainly matters just as much. It is something to look forward to in the way they change a person's perspective on life or how their laugh makes someone's day.  The way when they master a task making even the tiniest milestone worth celebrating. The way that quitting is a concept that will never occur to them.  The way they have taught a very once selfish mom to understand loving someone so much more than she ever thought possible.They way they have made me realize that as I age, I am better able to stop and appreciate my life for what is, them for who they are. That even though they are not changing like most children are or have or will, they are still changing and learning and growing. Differently yes, but beautifully all the same.
I know I have mentioned this before, but my mom would always warn when we were younger, "one day you will walk past the mirror and wonder, who is that woman?"  And she was right, I already take that double glance, often wondering if the bags will eventually take over my entire face. On a positive note though-isn't this a good thing because I still feel like that 25 year-old on the inside?  And, thankfully, hopefully, my mind is evolving like the adult I have become (sans the stage dancing -see Oops I did it again post).  But the beauty of getting older is you realize it's no longer as important what you see in that mirror, it's who you see that matters.
TBT-birthday boys!  2006-What?
TBT-Brass family at Elizabeth's christening
Where has the time gone? 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Oops I did it again.....................

Obviously, Adam and I don't go out a ton.  Besides the fact it is extremely expensive to do so,  my dear responsible husband doesn't particularly like to drink a lot, break it down on the dance floor, and feel exhausted for the next 2-3 days paying for just a few hours of fun. I, on the other hand, well.......let's just make the caged animal comparison and you'll get the picture.  I love live music, being with friends, engaging in a few cocktails, and apparently getting on stage and singing the classic "Fight for Your Right" by Beastie Boys. I don't know why the 15 year-old boy in me feels the desperate need to break free, but he's in there and that song brings him out for sure.  Of course, I realize the lyrics are inappropriate and borderline offensive, but it's not like I sing it in my living room (shower yes, living room, no) Because I have done the "stage thing" on more than one occasion, it has caused some, shall we say, domestic issues. And, as I am embarking on 40 (yes, it has taken this long!), I am starting to see (a little bit) Adam's point-it might be time to retire from the stage to the front row (I am not giving up the front row under any circumstances!) Big sad sigh.
But like any adolescent boy, I am not going down without a fight. Therefore, I decided to make a Pro and Con list and let it decide if I continue to embarrass myself in public.

Pros                                                                                     Cons

It's harmless fun                                                               I look ridiculous

It keeps me young                                                            I'm not young

It makes the middle-aged band feel good                    I have my own self-esteem to worry about

Everyone has a release and it's harmless                     If my son found out, he would be mortified

You can still get a little crazy and be a good Mom      My definition of crazy may be skewed

Dancing is great stress relief                                            And it can be done off stage, apparently

Exercise                                                                                Sadly, I am sore the next day

In the case of a tie-Pro's WIN!
In all seriousness, this has caused some severe anxiety over the past few days and as Adam and I fought about it discussed it I asked him, "you wouldn't want me to change who I am" and he gave a classic response, "sometimes you just need to be less of who you are."  Truer words have never been spoken.  I will take his opinion into consideration, but I am not making any promises!