Boys will be boys

Joe Burrow must feel like Kamala Harris today. You do all the right things, day after day, week after week, and still, you lose...... 

It was going pretty well today.  I got back into some podcasts, most that didn't address why we actually didn't choose the best candidate for President, but nonetheless, I got back in. I wanted to hear from like minded people. People who, like me, were in different depths of despair. I wanted camaraderie. I needed it. I have a twenty-two year-old straight white son whom by all accounts is a good man.  He is paying attention. He is a "guys guy" yet lives in this house with two disabled siblings that are nonverbal, and he loves them and helps care for them. It's been a tough pill to swallow that 51% of the population does not care about them, even those closest to us. It is that simple, he sees it clearly now, and it draws him closer to us. I hate and love this. 

He explained in his own eloquent way why most of his friends voted the way they did.  That they, in fact, were the ones that are not seen. He made some valid points, I tried to make him feel heard.  He, of course, reassured me that he would never vote for Trump, but wanted to give me context, and believe it or not, I listened. 

He then asked me about abortion, about Florida. I explained how the people were silenced. Their majority at 57% didn't matter. How DeSantis manipulated this "vote' and got his six week ban. The people did not want this, but this is what they got.  I explained that 90% of abortions happened in the first trimester and those after were largely because there was something wrong with the pregnancy and carrying that fetus to term could harm the mother irreparably. How women were dying because doctors hand's were tied, they couldn't help because of fear of retaliation. I reiterated women were dying.  He had the nerve to ask again asked, "do you think there should be any ban." I looked at him and he looked away, afraid. 

It's like he couldn't hear me. So I said,  "It is not my business. It is not your business. It is not the government's business."

His father made the valid point that most people that want to control women's bodies were scared of a freakin' Covid vaccine, that is rich isn't it? 

I don't understand why this is up for debate, but I appreciated the back and forth because he clearly wanted to understand my rage. 

I tried to lighten the mood so I told him then we were going to have to monitor his ejaculate. He might not want to leave the state in case a condom broke, or heaven forbid he didn't use one at all and there is viable embryo out there that might be his. He is going to have to stick around. You can imagine his faee. His smirk. Yet, he got it. 

Most won't, of course, I saw the red, you saw the red, we all saw red on Tuesday night. They just do not get it. 

He is a damn fine young man and I heard him today and he heard me.  It doesn't change anything, but at least we continued the conversation. 

I will live to fight another day because vulnerable people who cannot fight for themselves depend on me.  Sometimes that is all I can do. 

Mirror mirror on the wall

 Today was like most, if not all days. We wake up, I make my coffee, Adam makes his eggs. We sometimes say pleasantries and other times go about our days until the kids/adults get up.  We have two special needs adults so we bathe, change, feed, play/engage with them and not necessarily in that order but the same rituals. Every single day for 20 plus years. We do not go a single day without telling them they are loved and that they matter. Then we send them off for a few hours of school, unless Elizabeth isn't feeling like it, because unlike America, it's her world and we just live in it. 

Then Adam goes to work and I do domestic stuff which is not my favorite but this the life that we have and it is a good life filled with joy and love.  And now the veil of darkness has again reared its ugly head. The hate that was simmering, the vile inhumaneness that now we must tolerate again is back. So I breathe heavier, think deeper, cry alot more often. Think to myself, "how can this be?" when I know exactly how. 

My eldest son is worried, he says I'm better this time.  I say, "no, I just know who we are now so I am not surprised by it." Heartbroken, yes. Devastated, absofuckinlutely. Discouraged, you bet your ass. But I am older, wiser. I don't know why it took until almost fifty to understand this country's disdain for women, but it did. 

I am white and middle class and understand my privilege, but with these kids, these kids. I know 51% of this country does not care about them.  Just does not care. Those I love so very deeply do not care. I must live with that and go on. But my mantra remains as it did in 2016, he did not break me then, he will not break me now. He will not break me. He can't, I am all they have. 

Darkest of days

"I made an educated wish." - Deadpool

 I know the sun came up somewhere today, but not here. It is bleak, it is dark, it rains intermittently, like hope, it comes in waves but is then gone.  There was no sun today, there was no joy, there was no hope. What happened? Why does America hate women?  Is it fear?  At first, I thought it was over before it started.  There would be no chance to elect a woman, a woman of color. No way. As staunch a feminist as I am, I see reality every day as a caregiver of two nonverbal severely disabled kids in this sometimes cruel world. But I swear for that brief second,  I felt it, did you? The tide turning, a skip in my step, a glimmer in a young girl's eyes, a better tomorrow with choices and dignity and respect.   I didn't imagine it. It was there. Or was it?  I must have been living in in an alternate universe, one of equality, kindness, and respect. 

Today, I am reeling, I cannot fathom this truth, this reality. Yet, here we are. 

It is abundantly clear, as a nation, we hate women and minorities, and the LGBTQ+ community. That has become unsparingly obvious. But what about the truly vulnerable?  We have room in our hearts for them surely? The elderly, the disabled, the mentally impaired?  Nope. Or maybe it's not hate. Maybe it's far worse, a blatant disregard for not just their rights, but their very lives. Disdain and indifference for the "other".  No regard for them at all.  No humanity because, we just don't consider them. They are less than human. But, but, but... the cost of eggs. 

I always believed at the end of the day, women held the cards. We kept the house standing. We are the backbone, the strength, the reason it all doesn't come tumbling down. We finally had it, within grasp, but it was not to be.

Of course, we have to go on. But before then, I  fear we will reap what we have sown with this awful man.  We have chosen the worst of the worst and now women and children will suffer for it. On the course for a more perfect union we have stumbled backwards, decades backwards. Those of us that are Gen X bear some responsibility for this as we were gifted rights that we did not think to fight for until it was too late. Now our granddaughters, daughters, nieces, friends, will suffer. Many have already died because of archaic laws that Dobbs triggered. I am so sorry for this truth. 

Of course, I know better days are to come, but right now it is merely the calm before the storm, and so let's prepare and get ready, for this will be the fight of our lives. I believe it will be worth it. 

Thank you Madam Vice President, you fought the good fight and in a fair world you would have won.  But damn, no one told us life would be fair.