Wayback "Whens"day

While absently watching ESPN, and by watching I mean of course that I am staring straight forward because I am beyond exhausted, but I am not focused on what is actually playing on the television right in front of me. Simultaneously, a version of Sportscenter remains on constant repeat from 6-8 AM, and for some reason unbeknownst to me, 6-8 PM as well. (Adam will argue this is a gross exaggeration, but it really seems like all the time) Anyway, a 30 year anniversary commercial for a pizza place comes on and unbelievably, but likely because I am in a slight coma,  the TV is not muted so this happens:
Jacob:   "Mom, Were you alive in 1984?"
Me:       "Yes, I was 10 years old, why?"
Jacob:   "Wow, you are older than Papa John's pizza."

That is all.

What would you change?

Do you ever wonder what your parents think about you as a person, your life, the decisions you have made even though you are an adult? Are you still doing things to appease and sometimes please them?  I still do, but then I begrudge them for it. Sorry, I do. And then my split personality rears its ugly head and I start to wonder if they think I have made good decisions, am a good parent, made the right career (or lack thereof :)) choices that would make them proud of me? So silly, but there was a specific episode in my living room yesterday that got me pondering this. My mom was talking to someone who comes to work with Johnny and the young woman was talking about graduate school, standardized tests, grades, applications and the like. My mom then launches into my resume at that age. And that age was a LONG time ago! What my grades were, my goals, and also the choices that I didn't make. It left me wondering, in her mind, is this where my accomplishments ended? It is true, after all, I didn't pursue graduate school, get the job that led to a lucrative career, push myself to that “next” level. And now here I am, married-those 3 crazy kids I incessantly rant about, in the hometown I grew up in, minutes away from many with whom I went to high school. And in that moment I gave myself a chance to think of another life that “could have been”, and then quickly realized I wouldn't have what is. And I love what is. I understand that maybe I am that person people feel sorry for because of the path I have chosen, or worse because of the circumstances of my children. I certainly don't want that, it serves no purpose. Empathy fine, sympathy, kindly-no.

I also know the fact that I am still talking about what is expected of me at this age just shows I cannot be almost 40, I must still be 24. Even though my babysitters keep insisting on comparing me to their own mothers, which makes me want to slap them square in the face. Not really. Yes, really.

Either way, I apparently took a road, less traveled or not, I do not know, but it has certainly made all the difference.

Have you ever?

Have you ever woken up and realized you are not in the middle of a bad dream?
Do you remember the moment that your life separated from the rest of the “team?”
Have you ever wished so much that there were others with whom your experience you might share?
Do you remember asking the questions in your head, but ask aloud you could not bear?
Have you ever tried to reach out so hard your arm might break?
Do you remember the agony and the tears so violent your whole body would shake?
Have you ever looked deep into eyes that do not respond?
Do you remember saying “I love you” so many times and prayed those words alone will solidify the bond?
Have you ever wished and prayed for things you believe that they will someday be true?
Do you remember the exact time when you found out the blanket would be blue?
Have you ever come out of the haze and realized there is always a light?
Do you remember the sheer power of love and the desire to never give up the fight?
Have you ever been so buried and lost in the despair?
Do you remember the realization there are just some things you cannot repair?
Have you lived with a special child that is truly a gift from above?
Do you remember telling him that he will now and always be loved?
Have you ever picked yourself up and decided to look forward and not back?
Do you remember knowing that was the only way to get on the right track?
Have you ever felt something so deeply your heart sits open for all to see?
Do you remember becoming grateful rather than begrudging how life has turned out to be?
Have you ever asked these questions over and over as if the record in your mind is broken?
Do you remember the moment when you realized you can feel your child's love, even when words remain unspoken?

Mary Claire Brass

God Gave Me You

You're amazing.....just the way you are

This morning I began trying to organize old medical records, forms, papers, etc. and it became quite an undertaking. There were literally stacks and stacks of it and in no particular order. So I quit doing it, whew, overwhelming! But I did come across a few that took me back to certain appointments with Elizabeth. I remember lots of doctors examining her like a science experiment, young students staring-confused, nurses trying to entertain her amid the long wait. I remember the the incessant questions, not for no reason, but invasive, and seemingly critical nonetheless. And then I remembered getting the report in the mail and some of the things describing my baby were:

17 partial monsomy syndrome, generalized convulsive epilepsy, muscle weakness and tone, growth hormone deficiency, gliosis, intellectual disability, motor skill disorder, intrauterine growth retardation, FTT (failure to thrive), just to name a few things from one visit.

This isn't to make you sad or pity her, she truly epitomizes strength and sweetness, and it isn't to criticize medical staff, they were doing their job. It is just to “let you in” on a little bit of what she faces as she powers through this life.

Elizabeth is a gift. She is one of those children that brings joy to everyone with whom she comes into contact. Sure she is bossy, pushy, and frustrating to the point of exhaustion, she is my child after all, but you just fall in love with her on sight.

When I am worried about her in the middle of the night, which is often, I start thinking of songs that remind me of her. The music that comes to me soothes my soul, calms inner turmoil, brings back the angst of the past and delights in the today. But there are those certain songs that I feel like were written for my loved one, family, and special moments. Does music do that for you? I could and do listen to certain songs over and over, they never disappoint. That actually turns out to be lucky for me because Johnny will listen to the same song a thousand times plus before he tires of it or I am forced to delete it depending on how deep I have sunk into madness from the sheer repetition. Sorry, this post is about Elizabeth! Anyway, about 4 am this morning I woke up with the song by Bruno Mars, “Just the way you are”, playing in my head. My thoughts immediately went to my precious hearted Elizabeth. This is my song to my sweet baby girl. She is such a power house. Beyond a hard worker, she is an avid learner and constant positive presence. She loves with an open heart under no conditions. She knows no prejudice, envy, or hate.

Here are a few of the lyrics of that song:

Just the Way You Are

By: Bruno Mars

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing 

Just the way you are 

And when you smile

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Remembering Meagan

"It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, and a day to love them, but it takes an entire lifetime to forget them."

Author Unknown

There are some people that just brighten your life just by being in the same room with them. They are loved by all who know them. They have a positivity and light about them-like a glow. They are just better than the rest of us. That was Meagan Toothman.

We found Meagan through a babysitting website and the moment she was with any of my kids everything felt easier. She clicked right away with our family. We weren't “weird” or “different”. She had the innate understanding that all children are the same in that they want to be paid attention to, loved, read to, sang to and she did all of these things effortlessly.
I remember the first time she went to the pool with us in the summer. I was always worried about taking someone new to the pool because it would send most running for the hills. Johnny can be, how do I put it, a handful. He enjoys sprinting along the edge of the entire pool, taking the food right from an unassuming hand of a toddler, and jumping off the board so close to the side your breath literally is sucked from your body watching him. And this is all within the first 10-15 minutes of arrival, but Meagan never missed a beat. She loved the joy he took from being in the water, never tired of chasing him, and wasn't fazed by the people who whispered, stared or made comments under their breath (in their defense, though, when Johnny sweeps in and rips a spiderman toy from the chubby hands of your two year-old in the baby pool, it can be upsetting for a new parent) As Adam says, the deck is stacked against you when you take Johnny to the swimming pool. He describes it like going one-on-one with Lebron, playing to 10 and spotting him 8, you are going to get beat. But Meagan just went with it. Meagan would take on any challenge with Johnny and come out of it making me wish I had half the patience she had. She may have been only twenty-two years-old at the time.
Oh, and how Elizabeth loved her. She was patient, kind, beautiful. They would read books, play outside, and watched cheerleading competitions. Meagan would put Elizabeth's arms up in the air and have her pretend like she was doing a cheer. Elizabeth would laugh and laugh.
I know that we were only a small part of her life, just one summer she was with us. She was also a coach, student, mentor, daughter, sister and so much more to so many people. I never have met Meagan's mother, but if I had I would tell her that her daughter was one of the most special people I have ever met. She was genuine, pretty, smart, kind, and funny. She was an angel even before she was taken from us.
This is truly a case where you can ask God “why” and you will never get an answer that will make your heart mend. Her spirit was uncomparable, her smile contagious, her energy was unmatched. We truly miss you Meagan!

Cincinnati Reds Field Trip Extravaganza

I hope writing about this field trip is the closest to a PTSD episode I ever have. It was just a typical Spring day, breezy, sunny, a bit of a chill in the air; 2nd graders running about-baseball was in the air. It was a great day for a field trip to the Cincinnati Red's stadium. There would be tours, speakers, play time. This field trip was going to be great! The previous statement may have oozed sarcasm-in actuality it was a great day. Johnny, of course, would not be subjected to sitting and listening to history lessons and the like so Kathy (a fantastic aide in his classroom), Johnny, and myself strolled the grounds (mostly he was being pushed in stroller-that kid totally has my number), played in the museum area that was appropriate for kids, and ate our packed lunch in the actual place designated for lunch! Unfortunately, there were things I didn't consider (yes even after all these years, there were things I didn't consider). First, the field trip was all day, previous ones had only been a couple of hours. So I didn't think about changing a nine year-old in the public restroom and also that same nine year-old's affinity for bolting in a nanosecond. So the bathroom thing was no big deal, easy breezy, but if there was one instruction, one thing we heard throughout the entire day it was- “when we go around the baseball diamond, under no circumstances can anyone step foot on the field.” All the kids and adults nodded in agreement, over and over we were told and we understood (most of us, that is!). The instructions were clear- we would walk around the baseball diamond and not step on it. If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times that day. Turns out my Johnny-not much of a rule follower.

The tour of the field and dugout were highly anticipated by the kids and began uneventfully. We were walking along with the class, close to the rope which was the “barrier” between us and the field, and the environment was controlled. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha HA! Remember that nanosecond? IPAD dropped, attention diverted, Johnny sprinted to the middle of the Red's field toward a moving John Deere riding mower. Well, let's just say, the Red's staff did not find this as amusing as the fellow parent chaperones. The man on the mower screamed over and over at us, at him, to stop. As if? Oh my gosh, by the time I caught up with him he was rounding first headed for a double (not really, he has no idea where the bases are I just wanted to give you a visual of how far he got before I could catch up with him). My heart was absolutely pounding out of my chest. What's interesting is that he wasn't being bad, he could care less about a silly baseball field. He loves riding mowers! I should have anticipated it, should have seen it coming. I guess maybe I wanted to blend in that day, just a mom and her kid on a field trip (so ridiculous, I know). But Johnny always has other plans...........

As one dad put it, “Not many kids will ever get an opportunity to step on a professional baseball field,” and that is true and a good way of looking at it. He just saw and opportunity and seized it! Looking back, I still shake my head and smile cringe thinking about that day.

Yes, he perfectly capable of walking. 

But if you could ride, wouldn't you?

Playing in the museum before the great escape!

Ah yes, the barking

That awkward moment when you realize you have turned your service dog into a spoiled rotten house pet. This happened quite awhile ago but because my dog barks so incessantly, I am reminded often of yet another quest where I have failed miserably. The quick background--my daughter Elizabeth was diagnosed with epilepsy at age 1. She had seizures quite often back then and we thought a dog that could anticipate and support her if she fell from a seizure would be a wonderful thing for our sweet girl. My mom and I went to Frankfort and Elizabeth and myself went through 8 hours of training a day for a week. This in and of itself was the most ridiculous thing. Elizabeth was 2, couldn't walk at the time and was so tiny and Red, our "service" dog was huge. She was supposed to bond with Red by feeding and giving treats to the dog, neither of which she was capable of doing. Needless to say, Red and I came home best friends. Now I love this dog like he is one of my children, but we managed to turn a perfectly trained dog at the time into one that I now spy sleeping and shedding simultaneously on my couch unless there is a faint sound outside and then he will get up and bark like a mad dog for 10 minutes. The barking happens when we say outside, spell outside, get shoes on, grab keys, grab a plastic garbage bag, head in the general direction of the door-well you get the idea. My mom asked me at the time (foreshadowing), "what if this doesn't work out with the dog?" My response, "well I guess it'll be like having a fourth child" (self-fulfilling prophecy).

When they say a picture is worth a thousand word-truth!

Reality Bites

That awkward moment when you really realize you'll never be Savannah Guthrie. It just happened to me seriously this morning. Knocking on the door of 39, I still thought somewhere in the back of my mind that if NBC just happened upon me (yep in Fort Thomas, KY) that they would realize I should be seated next to Matt. I thought it when I was watching Jane Pauley, Katie, Meredith and just today realized that it may, ok won't, ever be me. I know I could party with Kathy Lee and Hoda, shoot the shit with Al and Willie., totally hang with Carson (great addition by the way)-but it really is over. So what if I am a slightly overweight mother of three who lives in Northern Kentucky, has special needs kids and a home that is an absolute wreck-I think I really thought (you read that right), that I would someday get a seat at the table. I don't remember a lot about childhood, but I do remember my mother telling me I could be whatever I wanted to be. Well, mom, I haven't totally decided what I want to be when I grow up, but for the first time Today (pardon the pun) I realized it wasn't going to be a 7-9 gig on must-see morning TV-and that sucks. I guess it is time for a new goal-I think it will be to have someone look at me like Willie looks at Brooke when she guest hosts—utter awe. Man that would be something. Totally legit though, she absolutely rocks.-who knew?

Too Perfect?

That awkward moment when your husband gets his physical back and it's damn near perfect, and he tells you maybe we should eat more fruit and salad over your nightly bowl of Doritos and wine. The man needs a vice. He needs to be addicted to gambling, porn, cigarettes-for the love of God-something! He did have one moment of weakness over the weekend where he lost his mind on Sat. night. Life was just too much with the kids and he desperately needed everyone to go to bed. They had beaten him down, they had won. Now this happens to me 25 times a day, kids-25, me-0. But Adam, it takes a lot to make him break and with no vice? I just don't get it. Oh sorry, I forgot, he does have one vice, he has excercise-that appears to be it. Borderline offensive if you ask me.

Oh, and we have plenty of fruit by the way.

Resilience

Last year about this time, Jacob broke his leg in football practice. It has three days before school stared and it was extremely difficult to see him in so much pain and so helpless. No football, no basketball, no first day of school with his buddies. Adam and I were going on no sleep with him being in so much pain and our middle child waking up in the middle of the night every night and the dreaded stress of the first week of school. When I look back on that week, I consider it to be one of the most trying times for us. All of our children required full time care. Somehow when it is two out of three and you get used to it accept it, and then a wrench gets thrown into that, well it just seemed devastating. Although Jacob had his moments of feeling sorry for himself, overall he was so positive-his body was broken, but not his spirit. He would talk about being stronger because his break would grow together better than before, how he would train for basketball and do physical therapy, he would get his hours of make-up homework done (with only a bit of complaining :)- Children are so resilient. You hear that a lot, but when you see it in your own child, it is quite amazing. Jacob taught me as a 10 year-old that there are always going to be set- backs in life, and they will keep coming, no matter how much you plan. (Well I already knew that part!) It's how you handle those setbacks that character is built and the strength of mind and body grows. Broken bones are sometimes an unfortunate part of childhood, broken spirits should never be.