Friday, February 28, 2014

Dear Oscar

As you may know, I started writing this blog because I wanted  needed to get out of my own head. So many things regarding the kids were cluttering my brain that it was literally threatening revolt. So I decided to "journal on the internet" and some friends and family have commented that they like it! Well, my rants on pop culture have also gotten as many or more laughs as my angst ridden, losing my mind, wanting to morning drink posts, so- here you go!

Caution:  I have not seen any of the movies nominated for an Oscar, so as usual, this post will be entirely superficial.

Dear Oscar:
Just change your statue to Lupita Nyong and get it over with.  Is there a more perfect specimen on the planet? I think not. And she went to Yale school of drama?  Life really isn't fair (no it didn't take Lupita's beauty and brains for me to realize that life isn't fair.)

Dear Oscar:
Don't let Julia Roberts take her stylist hostage again like she did at the Golden Globes.  You know you are surrounded by "yes" people when you decide to stick a white collared button down shirt under your couture dress and get on any "best" dressed list.  We know Julia, you just are out there living the simple life.  (Barf)

Of course, I'm more than a little jealous she still looks fab

Dear Oscar: 
Cut to George, Bradley, and Matthew as much as possible. Oh, and Brad too if he is shaven, short haired and sans Angelina (come on, it's a joke! But really, she'll probably be busy saving lives or better yet, eating a sandwich)

Dear Oscar:
I want  Bruce Dern to win just on the basis of his pre Oscar interviews. He said things like he has been "waiting for the call" for 55 years and it feels good to be "invited to the table."  His humility is heartwarming, plus old people say funny stuff in acceptance speeches.

Dear Oscar:
Woody Allen's genius should be celebrated where it belongs-prison.
                                         (No picture will be inserted, think creepy......)

Dear Oscar:
Please refer to Sandra Bullock as such. I know her"besties" call her "Sandy" but it makes me look behind her for Danny Zuko. How about you stop calling her "Sandy" and I'll quit saying "Bestie"-deal?  Otherwise she is perfect, and keeps getting better with age.

Dear Oscar:
Please feature musical guests.  Maybe some Kanye, I need something ridiculous to write about on Monday. Thanks in advance!

Dear Oscar:
What movies?  As much Ellen as possible!!

A girl pitiful enough that she really thinks she and Jimmy Fallon would be friends if she could just meet him.
We have so much in common . He has like 10 million viewers for his show and I have about 10 readers for this blog!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Warning: Not for the weak of stomach

Don't go around talking about how you haven't been sick all winter, bragging, telling people how healthy you have been, how you feel so "blessed" because of it-you know why?  The evil, awful insidious bug might be laying in wait ready to reek havoc on your intestines, your body, your life.  It could be so awful that you beg for anything to happen so you can feel better. You will eat better, stop drinking, lose that last amount of weight for optimum health because after all, you are literally begging for your life.  It is like being back in college except one small detail, back in the day it was self-induced and now it's by no fault of your own that a sneaky disgusting virus sneaks up on you, grabs hold of your body, ruins your entire weekend and then some. It takes you back to the last time this happened and you shudder at the very thought. It invaded your home and ran through your children and husband within 5 days, taking them all down and out (meaning everything on their insides literally came out). They soiled and contaminated anything within 12 feet of them, including you, nothing and no one was safe. You actually thought of just burning the house down, so you could just start over, because the enormity of getting everything clean was too much to take (of course, you didn't torch your home, but you were so out of it, the thought actually crossed your mind)  Maybe you noticed I am still having to talk about this as if it happened to someone else-PTPDD (post traumatic puke/diarrhea disorder). I guess, thankfully this year it is me that was afflicted and definitely better me than them, and I do mean that, but still, I am sleeping with one eye open, waiting............
So, for those of you that that wanted to know what it is really like in this house there's a little taste (sorry too much?) of the insanity; so be careful what you wish for!
In the ever so silly words of  Adam Sandler's mom in Waterboy, I declare the stomach virus-the "debil." (remember when she called "foozeball" (football) the "debil" (devil). You don't remember? Well, it was funny.)
Now that I am among the living, and oh am I ever so grateful for that, I feel the need to be Spring cleaning, but since it is yet again hovering above 20 degrees, I'll start the 13+ loads of laundry that were there before I got sick. I know I should just be thankful I can climb the steps after what I've been through.  And you thought I was going be looking on the bright side and mention the 3 pitiful pounds I may or may not have lost. That is such a farce, everyone knows the weight is back after the first Big Mac. What a waste.

OK, this was not  entirely the case, Adam so was so much better to me
 than I was to him when he had his sinus infection last week. I know, big surprise! 

Monday, February 17, 2014

Note to self

Ah the weekend, so relaxing for some so very not for others.  There is always a lesson found in the weekend chaos....I have noted a few. 

John will stick his hand in the hot oven if he wants pizza badly enough or if he wants it just a little bit. 

Elizabeth's spatial reasoning is an issue. She will be playing "innocently"  on the table (yes, table, geez!) one minute and then the next- well, let's just say her landing  leaves a lot to be desired. (thankfully her behind has a lot of padding  ;/) 

The candle is only relaxing if your son doesn't use it to catch his sweatshirt on fire

Hands are used to catch basketballs, not faces.

When John and the dog are eating Chipotle at the same time, out of the same bowl, I will lose my sh*@%!

Eleven years-old is the sweetest age-said no one ever.

Adam gets sick and I want to hurt everyone around me, including him, I don't care if he feels bad-I want to cut him
Oh whatever, he doesn't do anything anyway, and by "not do anything" I mean he does everything-help!

I don't know how many times I have to say it, water and electronics do not mix.

Screwdrivers and hammers are not toys, and Johnny doesn't treat them as such. My poor walls and floor.

I bet the former Presidents we are celebrating today didn't have to stay home with their kids to honor the British monarchy.  (oh boy, I'm sliding)

Watching Elizabeth try and do the hand motions for the Itsy Bitsy spider makes me forget she spilled my coffee twice before 8 am and all of the sudden everything is right with the world-thank goodness for tomorrow!

Disclaimer: no children were harmed in aforementioned incidents-just some really close calls! Happy President's Day! 

Friday, February 14, 2014

All you need is love

When I think of love, I usually think of my kids (that should go without saying, I know), Adam, family, friends, pets, Kit Kats,  Chipotle, scarves! I love them all and not necessarily in that order. Today, though, I have been thinking from where the ability to love comes? How can we profess it to everything from another human being to chips and salsa? How do we know how to love? Who teaches us? For me, and probably for many of us, it's Mom.
By one definition, love means deep affection, fondness, tenderness. I think of the feeling you get when you look at a newborn baby, on your wedding day, when you are sitting with your close friends. We all have the capacity for that love, but I believe someone shows us, by example, how to love so we can then pass it along, so we know what to do when we love someone else. When we are given love freely and without condition, it makes it natural to want to give it away.  My mom gave me that gift. Sure she also taught me to cook, sew, clean (ha, ha- no she didn't, but by no fault of her own, I had zero interest in these things from a very early age-I know it's cruel irony that I am responsible for all of the aforementioned now-except sewing of course, which sadly she still does for me). And maybe she didn't love me enough to get me to the Olympics-oh right, I didn't have any talent that would translate-but she did make me feel like I could do anything I set out to do.
And it wasn't just love, she also gave us so much more. She also instilled in us (my sisters and me) the power to believe in ourselves, that we were smart and capable. Still, though, I feel the most important thing she did, was saying the words "I love you", showing us by hugs, pats, kisses that no matter what we did (and we did a lot of bad) that we were were good, worthy, important-lovable. And she continues to pass this unconditional love onto her grandchildren (as well as her neurosis-oh come on, I had to throw one dig in!)
Happy Valentines Day Mom and thanks for teaching me how to love myself, loving me even when I didn't deserve it, and most importantly, for showing me how to give love away.

My first loves!

Oh yeah, mom, if you are reading this, can you babysit tonight? He, he just kidding, I couldn't resist!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


Tuesday Tribute

Apparently it went down something like this.  Twelve seconds left in the district tournament, the game is all tied up, Highlands has the ball. Jake checks in to shoot.  Now, Jacob has a ton of great qualities, I won't go into all of them, but performance under intense pressure was not one I would've listed.  The crowd was so loud and hostile, the boys were not on their home court, they were on the opponent's court and adults and children alike were screaming at the top of their lungs-against my baby. Back to the game-Jake dribbles and pump fakes the three point shot his coach instructs him to take.  He drives in and as the clock is ticking down, he is fouled.  Are you kidding me? It is just too much for my heart to take. Anyway, he runs, unaffected, to the line. Swish. Nothing but net. Our coach calls a time out. What? Why? Apparently he is setting up the defense, we live in Kentucky, heaven forbid there be a Christian Laettner moment.  Jacob comes out of the huddle and runs directly back to the line and once again, as if there wasn't a doubt, makes his shot. Cool as a cucumber. The opponents have the ball, it is tipped on an inbound pass. Highlands gets the ball back-game over-the 6th grade team are district champions! For an eleven year-old boy who lives and dies by sport, this must have been the most memorable events of his life.  It was one of the proudest moments of mine. Not because he made the shot, those will come and go, but because he took the shot, because he competes, because he tries.
Except I left out one minor detail..... I wasn't there. Usually if I miss a game I would have been with one or both of our other children; not this time. This time I was out of town with friends on a girls weekend. Can you imagine the guilt? I still can hardly stand it!  Luckily, I have relived this moment with him and his dad over and over, but my heart still aches. And thank goodness, he has spared me more heartbreak by not mentioning my absence. Maybe because had I been there, I would have jinxed it. I have a tendency to do that, and anyway I don't know if my heart could have taken it.  My anxiety might have derailed us both. (if you didn't take Psychology 101 as an elective, they call this "rationalization".)
But guess what, as usual, as much as I try to make it so, it isn't about me.  It was about him, his team, his tournament-and he did it. For that moment, he was a star.
Cousins, Buddies, and Ballers
6th Grade Boys and Girls District Champions

Friday, February 7, 2014

Eye of the Tiger

Last weekend, my friend Meg sent me a text that Rocky IV was on, so let the DVRing begin!  There are very few things I love as much as Rocky.  The music during the training scenes almost make me want to do physical activity, and the winter Olympics are coming up in Sochi, Russia (if you have had NBC on for a nanosecond you would know this-wow, can you say overkill!), so I had yet another excuse to watch one of my favorite flicks. Anyway, I picked out some epic lines from Rocky IV to share. Keep in mind, I have never claimed to be movie critic or even remotely intelligent, so take the following with a grain of salt. My tongue-in-cheek responses from this timeless film are in italics. Yes, I said timeless.

"You ain't never gettin' rid of me"-Rocky to Adrian
Through thick and thin baby. They are in it for the long haul. What's that?  Of course, I know it's just a movie. ;)

"But once you step out of that ring, Stallion, you're ancient history"-Apollo
It sucks not being relevant, I feel ya Apollo!

"You think maybe it ain't against him. You think maybe it's you against you." -Rocky to Apollo before he fights Drago
It always is.

"I want you to use your head for something instead of a punching bag."-Rocky to his son
Parents always want more for their kids.

"We can't change what we are."- Rocky to Adrian trying to defend his decision to fight Drago
Poor Rocky is always trying to prove himself to his bride.

"You can't win!."-Adrian to Rocky on the steps before he leaves to train in Russia
As Adam and Meg say, at that moment, something snaps in Rocky.

"You know what you gotta do, now do it. Do it."-Apollo's old trainer to Rocky when they get to Russia to train
Let the games begin

"I'm with you, no matter what."-Adrian coming to Russia while Rocky is training
Of course you are.

"Hit the one in the middle." Pauley to Rocky during his fight with Drago
No smart ass comment here, I just love this line.

"For me, for me!"-Drago during the last fight with Rocky
In my opinion, if something so important is only done for yourself, then you are in trouble.  Not to spoil the ending, but Drago was in trouble indeed.

"If I can change, you can change." Rocky's speech to Russian audience after defeating Drago

But really, after it's all said and done, don't we all just want to be loved the way Rocky loved Adrian.
Oh yeah!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Havin' the time of your life

Tribute Tuesday

Today's post was going to be hilarious. It was going to be a great story.  If I told you that the inspiration behind it was the Mother/Son '70's Disco Dance at Woodfill Elementary with Johnny, you would read because you would assume there was going to be something really funny/embarrassing/silly to tell. I mean, you can't really go somewhere with Johnny and not have something hysterical happen. Maybe not hysterical at the time, but a "look back on it and it's funny" kind of thing (refer to Red's Field Trip Extravaganza post if you want to know what I mean ;)).
But, unbelievably, the dance turned out to be uneventful and normal even.
Sure Johnny pointed to my mouth a gazillion times so I would sing the "This is freakin' awesome" line (yes, I know that isn't the real lyric) over and over from Thrift Shop his left ear while he played his Dora phone in his right ear as the disco ball spun in all of its florescent glory and simultaneously huge speakers blared really loud music throughout the elementary school cafeteria.  The child can apparently not be overstimulated. And yes, he did try to get back behind locked doors to where they would normally be serving food for lunch. Oh sure, he ran out the front doors outside only to run right back in about 30 times. Of course, he tried to climb under and between the stacked chairs and tables that were blocking off the gym. Occasionally, or every two to three minutes, he would drink a few half empty Sprites that belonged to other people (oh, and maybe a couple Gatorade's). But that is all pretty typical stuff.  Johnny didn't get out there and dance, but certainly knew the "words" to each and every song (he's my music guy), and he showed a vague, albeit definitive, interest in what was happening around him. Success!
What does that have to do with Tribute Tuesday?  Not a lot, so this is not a tribute to Johnny. Even though I was super proud of him for giving it a chance. This post is a tribute to the moms at the dance. It's a tribute to how you are raising your sons. It's actually more of a thank you.
Thank you to the many moms for asking your son to say hello even if he knew Johnny wouldn't say hi back. I know they do it every day-please know it does not go unnoticed. Thank you to the mom who asked if he wanted to get in a picture with the other kids, even though we knew he wouldn't stand still long enough. Thanks to the mom who told your son to ask Johnny to dance with the rest of the boys even though we knew he wouldn't go or even acknowledge he'd been asked in the first place. Thanks to all of you for trying to "chat" with me even though you knew I couldn't stop for conversation-please know I wanted to! Thank you for being genuinely excited that we were there. Thank you for being great moms and wonderful people. I often think what kind of mom I would be if all my children were "typical". I hope I would be like you.
Do not adjust your screen, this is blurry and as good as it gets!

Sunday, February 2, 2014


I simply cannot understand why everyone acts so entitled and spoiled in this house!
Wait, yes I can...........
I wonder if he moved the pillow with his paw?

Nobody takes care of anything! Admittedly, I have seen Toy Story I, II, and III over 4000 times (and that is an understatement) so I do actually empathize with our poor broken toys. How is Buzz supposed to get to Infinity and Beyond with broken wings, one arm, and half his legs?  I feel your pain, Buzz, I feel torn apart most days too.......
"I think the word you're searching for is Space Ranger"-Buzz Lightyear

And then, this is what part of the "toy room" looks like at the end of the day and it unfortunately doubles as our bedroom-yeah, a tad depressing............
Ahhhh, a sanctuary.................

Then this happens, unexpectedly, and all is right with the world.

Awesomeness! Broadway Joe stylin'

I know I am so weird, but there are always bright spots, silver linings, Bruno Mars ('s,es?) that can just turn your day right around if you're willing to look for them.  And I am willing to look for them, because it is so much better than cleaning my house!