Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Dear Brain

I am peace.
Worry overwhelms me, anxiety overtakes me, life exhausts me.
I have gratitude.
I am broken longing to be whole.
I have love.
I am alone. I know to be kind to the one and only body I have.
I make poor decisions trying to destroy it.
I have the best of friends.
I can be hateful.
I am a forgiving soul.
I gossip and have guilt.
I am working to be more authentically myself.
I hide who I truly am.
I want the very best for my kids and for them to be happy.
I chipped away at their soul just yesterday.
I read trying to get better, be better, know better to do better.
I wasted hours binge watching violence.
I have joy.
I am filled with rage.
I am inspired.
Life is exhausting.
Social media makes me feel connected.
Twitter causes me rage.
I wrote down my goals.
I haven't made a move on any of them in years.
I am forever grateful for this amazing life.
Why is this happening to me?
I am confident.
What in the world is my purpose?
I am self aware.
Everyone is against me.
I laugh everyday.
Crying is easier.
I live an abundant life.
Why is there never enough?
I am faithful.
Doubt consumes me.
I am honest and caring.
Fear and resentment overshadow my decisions.
I am just like you.
You have no idea what my life it like.
I have empathy.
What is wrong with those people?

How can I be all of these people locked inside this grey spongy thing? Why can't I just be the best version, instead of sinking to the lowest common denominator? What is it that makes this self sabotage possible?  Brain, I need your help. I need you to get on board with what my higher potential is. I need you to get out of my way. I will not surrender to your neurosis. My spirit will win.

I am a work in progress

I have a choice

I will live in truth

I am human

I am love

Monday, August 13, 2018

Here we go.....

I guess let me first start by saying, and I think it is fairly obvious, I’ve never taken a snap or ever run through the tunnel, made the tackle, and certainly never had the glory of  diving into the end zone. But I understand the importance of camaraderie, effort, teamwork, winning, losing, suffering, everything falling apart and then put it all back together, grace, anger, humanity, defeat, and rising to the occasion. That’s not just football, that’s life-does it make football relevant in this life, absolutely. Does it make it the only thing in this life, well, I mean, come on!! But we’re coming into a high school football season where I already care more than I should, have invested more time than I have, and thought about damn football and my son’s experience too much, and I don’t like to admit that because if you know anything about me you know that I have SO much more to worry about. But honestly, we all do! I think, well, I tell myself, it’s OK that I worry this much because this is going to be my only experience with high school football and I want him to get everything out of it-but at the same time what I can’t prepare for is the mistakes that will he will inevitably make and judgment that will ensue. I cannot protect him from the hits on the field and I certainly cannot protect him from the hits he will take from “well-meaning” adults off the field. And, frankly, it makes me want to suit up! Yeah, watch your back-I’m comin’ for ya! 😉
So, what’s  a girl to do? I decided to make a couple promises to myself. I will be positive and focus on being the best cheerleader for all activities. Don’t worry, not pulling out the old uniform-WAY too small! 😬
I’m cheering for soccer, volleyball, tennis, dance, debate, bowling, track, golf, basketball, etc. and I promise not to give two shits if you win or lose-because here’s the thing-you learn and become the man or woman you will be through BOTH (gasp) and you will not peak at Highlands High School. You are building your foundation through your successes and failures and this is your launchpad. My goodness, Birds, here’s your chance to build integrity, work ethic, and some of the best relationships of your life, and for each and every child at HHS, I hope you take these experiences to grow and learn and when you leave this nest, I hope you fly!!!  
Go Birds! 💙

Tuesday, March 13, 2018


Oh my gosh, I remember. These days a lot of my former life is a blur. Life, it passes in an instant. It's true what they say.  The days are so long. The years so short. But, the day you were born.  I remember it.  I remember knowing.  Knowing you were not ok, feeling that burden of a future unknown.  Yet, the love was so crazy strong, so overwhelming. That love would carry me, us, to the next step- to the future-to whatever it was, whatever it will be.  I held you, my third and last child and in all of your smallness; I felt the weight of your enormous spirit.  I felt your will to breathe, to eat, to smile, to flourish.  Your mightiness gave me an unquenchable thirst to get up, keep getting up.  I have you to thank.  To thank for countless tears, too many sleepless nights, unimaginable grief.  I have you to thank for perseverance only a mother can know, strength only a mother can muster, love only a mother can feel. I don't even know what this day will bring, every day I cannot control. But I remember holding you in my arms and knowing that we would brave it together. My daughter you have taken so much from me and for that I am grateful because you have given me infinitely more. You took my fear, you took my uncertainty, you took my weakness and you turned into an unbreakable bond. I want you to forever know, I am grateful for all you have taken because the gift of your presence and of your strength-these are things I couldn't have mustered alone.  I was not whole before you.  Thank you for breaking me into a million pieces and thank you my sweet girl, for putting me back together again.