Today was like most, if not all days. We wake up, I make my coffee, Adam makes his eggs. We sometimes say pleasantries and other times go about our days until the kids/adults get up. We have two special needs adults so we bathe, change, feed, play/engage with them and not necessarily in that order but the same rituals. Every single day for 20 plus years. We do not go a single day without telling them they are loved and that they matter. Then we send them off for a few hours of school, unless Elizabeth isn't feeling like it, because unlike America, it's her world and we just live in it.
Then Adam goes to work and I do domestic stuff which is not my favorite but this the life that we have and it is a good life filled with joy and love. And now the veil of darkness has again reared its ugly head. The hate that was simmering, the vile inhumaneness that now we must tolerate again is back. So I breathe heavier, think deeper, cry alot more often. Think to myself, "how can this be?" when I know exactly how.
My eldest son is worried, he says I'm better this time. I say, "no, I just know who we are now so I am not surprised by it." Heartbroken, yes. Devastated, absofuckinlutely. Discouraged, you bet your ass. But I am older, wiser. I don't know why it took until almost fifty to understand this country's disdain for women, but it did.
I am white and middle class and understand my privilege, but with these kids, these kids. I know 51% of this country does not care about them. Just does not care. Those I love so very deeply do not care. I must live with that and go on. But my mantra remains as it did in 2016, he did not break me then, he will not break me now. He will not break me. He can't, I am all they have.
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