Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Dear Potential Employer

It is time to start the dreaded job seeking process so I have been brainstorming some potential selling points about myself in my hiatus from the workplace. Let me know what you think.

To whom it may concern:

I recently read about your opening in the BS section of Job Postings on SomewhatConnected and I believe I am more than qualified. 
Below are a few examples of why you should not only consider hiring me, but why I am the best candidate for the position. 

Relevant skills:

Highly efficient:
I can walk into Kroger with a little cart at 2:25 and out by 2:45 with $136 in groceries (Admission: I still do not have a clue what my family will eat for dinner.)

Strong work ethic:
I am up very early and many times throughout the night and am able to somewhat successfully meet my children's needs  (Admission: I require midafternoon naps.)

Professional:
I will wear make-up every day. (Admission: I sleep in it.)

Focused:
Almost always, unless confronted with phrases such as  "at the end of the day", "all our ducks in a row" or "on the same page". (Admission: the aforementioned boardroom phrases cause horrific flashbacks and I will need to take to my bed for 72 hours or go on a bender-either way, I won't be at work)

Loyal:
I stayed in a job I despised for 8 years (Admission: I skated by for 6 of them) 

Extremely ambitious:
I once signed up for a 5K and finished it. 
(Admission: I walked.)

Ability to multi-task:
I am literally pulled by my children in different directions and have to figure out daily, sometimes minute by minute, how to make everyone happy or at least somewhat  satisfied  (It is still it easier to please two significantly disabled children than 90% of my former employers)
(Admission: I don't like to be told what to do)

Availability:
Totally flexible
(Admission: Available 9:00 AM-2:30 PM most days. Note: I prefer to have Fridays off in case my friends are going to lunch. It doesn't happen often, but ideally would like to leave it open just in case. You understand, with your golf schedule and all, you won't miss me a bit.)

Salary Requirements:
Expensive
(Admission: there is no basis for it, it is just a fact)

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. Although, truth be told, it's best to contact me between 8:00 PM-9:15 PM (unless it's Monday, 24 is back!). 

No worries about this future employee "leaning in". Zoning out, maybe. 
Oh, just FYI-I won't sue for any reason, way too much paperwork.

Regards,

MAB-Mary Claire Alexander Brass-AKA-
(Mediocre at Best)

Attachments: None. My resume, much like myself, is a "work in progress".