Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Seized

Never have I ever.  And there aren't a lot of firsts around here. We've seen and been through a ton of stuff. Much I'd like to forget, some, like today, I, unfortunately, never will.
Let me back up.
So, I am totally pumped about the first day of school. What mom isn't? (Well, maybe teachers, but we've already established they are a special breed, of which I cannot even begin to understand) Johnny and Elizabeth are pumped too, of course, they are as tired of me as I am of them. So we are up early, getting everyone ready and Elizabeth is in her usual sweet good mood (at least first thing).  But as we are headed down the stairs, she makes an awful gesture and her arm violently starts shaking, she crumbles to the ground, and the look on her face-I cannot tell you. It was the look of horror. It actually looked like her brain was under attack (which I know is exactly what was happening) and her face wore the image of what that must have felt like. Sheer terror. She has seizures almost everyday, but this has been a really good summer and we have seen very few and they are small and pass quickly, they are not minutes of shaking violently on her part and absolute panic on ours. Yes, they are still incredibly upsetting, but nothing, I mean nothing like what we witnessed this morning. I am truly baffled and so sad. Adam was heart sick and very close to being stomach sick as well, if you know what I mean. (barf city) But, after a few minutes when she came out of it, she was a little shaky (pardon the pun-oh, stop, I am allowed a little humor!), But miraculously, after about 1/2 hour of laying limp on me; she popped right up and was her old bossy self. She wanted to eat and sing and play. She smiled and got her color back. It was surreal. I wondered: does she have a headache, is she super tired, does she understand or even remember what happened, did she lose any learned behaviors, is she in pain, how in the world did she just manage to come out of that?  I don't think I will ever get the image of her face out of my head.
But, I will tell you this-I have never witnessed such resiliency.  What a lesson. I have been boo hooing about how "hard" summer is for me because, well, because of her :/.  (and her darling brothers, of course)  But, what she has in her small ten year-old frame is still what I am seeking in my own self.  The ability to keep fighting, never give up, don't let yourself get defeated. Or even if you are, and I was, exhausted, out numbered, a mess-don't let it get to you. I, once again, felt too beaten down and I lost my sense of humor, my patience and it felt like my mind. I know better than to start down this path. I have a lot of people coming in and out, I have a ton of help but I cannot seem to stay on top of the emotional roller coaster and flat out resentment right before school starts. Towards whom?  Anyone who comes into my vengeful path, unfortunately.  But mostly Adam, let's be honest!
Thankfully I have a new day ahead so I'll start fresh and be grateful,  put on my best face and undoubtedly pray for a safe and happy school year for my dear girl- hugging her tight enough so some of her bravery will inevitably rub off onto me.
A few days ago with big brother Jake (she loves her brothers)