#40

IIt's like a really great wave of relief when 40 finally comes. If you worried, dreaded, or embraced it, it really doesn't matter, it comes regardless. Then comes the deep breath- and for me, it came with excitement for a new chapter.  This is the second half of my life that I am embarking upon (I hope I have at least 40 more good years left :)), and I have to come a few realizations (or really random thoughts).  I hope you don't mind me sharing. They are not original comments by any stretch, but they are from the heart!

Spend time with people who lift you up and support you. Let go of everything else!

It's OK to dream like a little girl. Even as adults, we should never lose that!

Sing Carrie Underwood's "Somethin' in the water", like you used to belt out Bon Jovi's "I'll be there for you." It feels great! 

Hope for the best for other people.

Celebrate life!

 

Be a good friend.

Remember and honor those that built you! 

Allow your children to see your flaws and and help them understand that you are a real person with thoughts, dreams and feelings. 

Empathetic and compassionate are words that I hope people use to describe me. 

(Rather than binge drinker and constant lip stick applier/wearer) 

Although, truth be told, they are probably all true

I've said it once, I'll say it again-a fake Christmas tree can save a marriage.

It is scary I am old enough that I could have given birth to any of the KY Wildcat basketball players. #BBN

Laugh. Every.Single. Day.

Dance

Appreciate family

I may not send Christmas cards ever again-that is not something to have anxiety about in the middle of the night

Do or say something nice to or for someone every single day and it will change you for the better. In other words, resist the urge to be a douchebag.

From Adam Brass, "mix in some water."

Hug-it makes everything better.

When your jeans are too tight, your zipper comes down more easily, be more aware of this than I was last Thursday night. 

Be kind (especially if you are pointing out the above (she was BTW ;))

In the event your Birthday celebration lasts 13 hours-Dixie Chili can save your life!

And lastly, try for a positive attitude. Some days are harder than others, but try anyway!

Example:

(Today Elizabeth's huge new stroller/wheel chair wasn't locked and it rolled in the street and hit a truck, my purse was in it, luckily not her, and spilled everywhere in the street. While I was trying to pick up the contents and pack the stroller up, Elizabeth locked herself in the car and was so distraught when I couldn't  open the door. I had to have my dad drive to my house to get the spare key and she was hysterical by the time he got there. Oh, and I forgot to get the Christmas presents for church because I am a bad church goer, and was late getting presents for needy kids (not something to forget on the to do list). Also, Johnny woke up at 6 this morning, Sunday, and had dismantled and/or destroyed 50% of our eight total Christmas decorations before 7 am (we have no ornaments on the tree :(. He also accidentally bit through my skin because I didn't cut his pizza and get it to his mouth fast enough. We can't get a load of laundry dry because he plays in the dryer and throws the wet clothes on the floor.

Lastly and tragically, I face-timed myself twice while trying to text, but lived through it-barely. 

Hey, another typical Sunday! I still made it through-happy, pretty unscathed, and ready to take on whatever comes next!)

My Heart's Song

So definitely one of the scariest or maybe most worrisome things about raising a child/children (in my case) with special needs is if they really understand what you are trying to communicate to them.  How or are they processing information and how much? What are they thinking about? What if something happens to them or someone hurts them and they can't tell me?  What do they love, what do they hate, what bothers them, what delights them? As a mother, am I frustrated or distracted too much?  What more do they need?  How or where do I start? Who needs what more?  Off the subject but equally as heartwrenching, do they know how much I love them? Do I tell them or show them enough? Certainly you want them to reciprocate that love, but you can't always get what you want! These questions plague my middle of the night thoughts. But then, as with everything in life, there are glimmers of hope that sneak up on me all the time. A few weeks ago Johnny was singing in the back seat with his IPAD and I immediately recognized the songs.  I used to sing the Dixie Chicks song "Lullaby" years ago when the kids were babies/toddlers before they went to bed.  I love all things Dixie Chicks, but especially this song, and it sounds like he was listening!

Ok, so he has to do a couple other Dixie Chicks songs to warm up, and he picks his nose and bangs his head with his fish, and I can't focus on his face because if he sees me videoing he immediately stops singing, and he tries to open the door when the car is moving-oh whatever,  I hope it makes you smile :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZE-mkQIewg&feature=youtu.be

"Lullaby" lyrics that he is singing at the end of the video:
They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

It is she

Elizabeth had an MRI last week and it was an incredibly long day. She has areas in her brain that need to be monitored because they have always been"abnormal" or "diseased".  We have to make sure those areas do not grow. She came out of it sick and weak and looking at me as if to ask, "why would you let them do that to me-again!?" However, even coming out of sedation, her bright personality shone through.  I am in constant awe of her strength. These were my thoughts as I watched her drift off and go in for her scan. 

Courtesy of Aunt Sarah

She is determined

She is strong 

She is attitude

She is kind

She is willful

She is bright

She is silly 

She is sweet

She is bold

She is brave

She is vulnerable

She is warm

She is mine

She is Elizabeth. 

Good news-MRI stable. 

Side note-In case you were wondering, and maybe you weren't, but my posts have been super short for two reasons 1.) my brain is mush in the summertime  2.) my computer is still broken!

Anyway,  I hope to be back with more content soon :)! But for now it appears I can only write in adjectives! 

Stay tuned though, we had a no pants extravaganza at Rossford Park I have to tell you about, that will no doubt make you feel like a better parent!

Gifted

A mentor

A friend

A companion
A humanitarian

A leader

A listener

A parent

A developer 

A protector

A guide 

An example

An inspiration

An individual

A hand to hold

A shoulder to lean on

A loving heart.......

                                                                                 A Teacher

John and Elizabeth have been going to an enrichment class this week with their special education teacher and an aide in their classroom. You could tell how much the kids love and miss them. These women are amazing! Everything they stand for makes my heart soar. Teachers truly amaze me! 

Mothering him

He cries

I weep

He smiles

I rejoice

He coos

I adore

He runs

I follow

He trips

I fall 

He tries

I cheer

He breaks

I crumble

He laughs

I savor

He sings 

I love

He worries

I ache

He calms

I rest 

He sleeps

I dream

If he speaks, I will listen.

By: Mary Claire Brass

The "sent from God" Father

I know, I know, my life is enviable. Everything about it, whether it's the f%$*ing spacebar that no longer works on my computer, my impossibly long legs, my perfect children, my always immaculate house, the laundry always being folded and of course, put away; my impeccable career choices, my easy breezy personality-yes well, the list goes on and on. There is one thing though, one thing that I want to brag on today without my usual sarcastic tone, and that is Adam. Adam is the father that is giving and forgiving. He is the father that is kind and patient,  He is the father that asks for nothing for himself. He is the father that is hardworking. He is the father that loves with his whole heart.  He is a grateful father. He is a generous father. He is a playful father. He is the best father for which a kid could ask.
I hope this Father's Day he can sleep until 7:30 am (that is what he asked for) and that our little family shows him how much he is appreciated and loved. 

Trampoline fun!

A Dear John letter

Dear John,

Today I broke. I am so sorry. It was one of the long Saturdays when we don't break it up enough, when we expect too much from you, when I get overwhelmed and just want to want a minute. Truth be told, I don't want to play with you all the time. Don't get me wrong, I adore when we squirt each other with the hose, play and splash around in your pool, play trains and tractors, and of course, sing along with you as you belt out everything from Eminem to The Sound of Music.But sometimes on the 765th time of "backpack backpack", I become overwhelmed. I just want Pop to get you and drive you around, I want a break.
Admittedly, when you threw your IPAD in the pool, went to the bathroom on the floor, ate the frozen yogurt with your hands, knocked over the dog's water for the third time, put your open Gatorade bottle that was half full on my bed, pulled all of your sister's clothes out of the drawers, and took everything out of your brother's closet-I got angry. I grabbed your arm too hard, I yelled, I asked you questions you wouldn't or couldn't answer. What I did was lose control. I hate when I do that, when I am weak. I can imagine Mimo would say that weakness is unbecoming, and she'd be right. I fell apart. And the guilt is awful. You deserve better. You don't make eye contact often, but when you do, I sometimes feel you are looking through me, wondering how I don't get it by now. And I can't  help and think of what you'd say to me if you could. Help me, play with me, understand me, know me?  I want you do know I am trying.

 I felt like we had a good first part of the day. We played, took a walk, had your favorite foods, watched your shows, went outside. So I keep asking myself- what happened? I ask that question, knowing I may never have the answer.
I want you to know your curiosity, mischievousness, and "being a boy" are my very favorite things about you. Your perseverance to have whatever it is you want at that exact moment is not your fault, that is my blood running through your veins. I just hope you understand that I am doing the best I can, that I love you with all my heart and that I promise I will do better tomorrow.

This Dear John letter is a bit different, it is a commitment to you my dear Johnny, to your development, to your happiness. It has been and is going to be quite a ride, we both better hold on.......

A little light reading...............