Wednesday, December 9, 2015

And you?

If I were a real writer, I would certainly consider my absence writer's block. It's not as if nothing has happened. Geez, since last you heard from me we're down 2 IPads  1 mini, 2 IPhones and countless toys that just can't handle "water weight". And the tales were long and funny and not always Johnny in his constant pursuit of destruction (I washed an IPAD mini in a dirty sheets load), but I was thinking that maybe it was too much for me and for others and maybe It was self-serving and maybe it was just attention seeking. And probably it was both of those things, I'm not sure.  And then I started pursuing a passion and that has flourished, but my need to connect and want friends and readers to "get us"  is still a fire inside me, so today I'm back and I'll tackle this post as a sign of hope and optimism in an otherwise dark world.  
And this is a funny one for me because (see above and previous posts) much of what I write is drenched in-maybe wine sweat-probably in sarcasm. So I don't always come across as the eternal optimist, but rather the consummate worrier.  Case in point- last night, waiting for my 11 year-old to take my spot in bed at 4 am, I started to do that thing where every single thing in your life becomes uber important. From forgetting paper towels at Target to the list of questions for the Neurologist you never wrote down to the forever of caring for these kids and how, how, how and who, who, who and the always, how much, much much? 
And didn't I blink and my once 4 year-old in my bed is now 11 year-old in my bed and will probably be my 22 year-old in my bed and the then will Elizabeth want to be in my bed??? And how and when and how long? And will Jake spend time with them, look after them, make sure they are unharmed, safe, loved-will it be too much? 
And my breathing sped and my attractive back sweat kicked in (I sleep in basically a snow suit so that could've contributed) and then I can't stop thinking of how long 
they'll need me and my mom and my dad and thank goodness Adam doesn't drink and eats right so he'll live forever but what if his next wife doesn't love our kids as much and on and on and on. 
But then I'll breathe and calm my brain, sometimes I'll sleep for another hour-many other times I won't.  But of course, I so get it, there are so many other Mothers in is world that have so much more to worry about (hunger, illness, disease, war, exclusion). So I'll scold myself for my selfishness. Then I will do some breathing exercises, get a huge glass of water and vow to be better at this tomorrow. And by better I mean, more accepting, more tolerant, more loving, more positive, more patient, more forgiving, more sober-just a little more. I do know this, I will never stop trying.

Anyway, how have you been ;)? 

Facebook reminded me this was 7 years ago! Wow, and probably the last time they were photographed together!

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