Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Warning: Not for the weak of stomach

Don't go around talking about how you haven't been sick all winter, bragging, telling people how healthy you have been, how you feel so "blessed" because of it-you know why?  The evil, awful insidious bug might be laying in wait ready to reek havoc on your intestines, your body, your life.  It could be so awful that you beg for anything to happen so you can feel better. You will eat better, stop drinking, lose that last amount of weight for optimum health because after all, you are literally begging for your life.  It is like being back in college except one small detail, back in the day it was self-induced and now it's by no fault of your own that a sneaky disgusting virus sneaks up on you, grabs hold of your body, ruins your entire weekend and then some. It takes you back to the last time this happened and you shudder at the very thought. It invaded your home and ran through your children and husband within 5 days, taking them all down and out (meaning everything on their insides literally came out). They soiled and contaminated anything within 12 feet of them, including you, nothing and no one was safe. You actually thought of just burning the house down, so you could just start over, because the enormity of getting everything clean was too much to take (of course, you didn't torch your home, but you were so out of it, the thought actually crossed your mind)  Maybe you noticed I am still having to talk about this as if it happened to someone else-PTPDD (post traumatic puke/diarrhea disorder). I guess, thankfully this year it is me that was afflicted and definitely better me than them, and I do mean that, but still, I am sleeping with one eye open, waiting............
So, for those of you that that wanted to know what it is really like in this house there's a little taste (sorry too much?) of the insanity; so be careful what you wish for!
In the ever so silly words of  Adam Sandler's mom in Waterboy, I declare the stomach virus-the "debil." (remember when she called "foozeball" (football) the "debil" (devil). You don't remember? Well, it was funny.)
Now that I am among the living, and oh am I ever so grateful for that, I feel the need to be Spring cleaning, but since it is yet again hovering above 20 degrees, I'll start the 13+ loads of laundry that were there before I got sick. I know I should just be thankful I can climb the steps after what I've been through.  And you thought I was going be looking on the bright side and mention the 3 pitiful pounds I may or may not have lost. That is such a farce, everyone knows the weight is back after the first Big Mac. What a waste.



OK, this was not  entirely the case, Adam so was so much better to me
 than I was to him when he had his sinus infection last week. I know, big surprise!