Wednesday, December 11, 2013

What would you change?

Do you ever wonder what your parents think about you as a person, your life, the decisions you have made even though you are an adult? Are you still doing things to appease and sometimes please them?  I still do, but then I begrudge them for it. Sorry, I do. And then my split personality rears its ugly head and I start to wonder if they think I have made good decisions, am a good parent, made the right career (or lack thereof :)) choices that would make them proud of me? So silly, but there was a specific episode in my living room yesterday that got me pondering this. My mom was talking to someone who comes to work with Johnny and the young woman was talking about graduate school, standardized tests, grades, applications and the like. My mom then launches into my resume at that age. And that age was a LONG time ago! What my grades were, my goals, and also the choices that I didn't make. It left me wondering, in her mind, is this where my accomplishments ended? It is true, after all, I didn't pursue graduate school, get the job that led to a lucrative career, push myself to that “next” level. And now here I am, married-those 3 crazy kids I incessantly rant about, in the hometown I grew up in, minutes away from many with whom I went to high school. And in that moment I gave myself a chance to think of another life that “could have been”, and then quickly realized I wouldn't have what is. And I love what is. I understand that maybe I am that person people feel sorry for because of the path I have chosen, or worse because of the circumstances of my children. I certainly don't want that, it serves no purpose. Empathy fine, sympathy, kindly-no.

I also know the fact that I am still talking about what is expected of me at this age just shows I cannot be almost 40, I must still be 24. Even though my babysitters keep insisting on comparing me to their own mothers, which makes me want to slap them square in the face. Not really. Yes, really.

Either way, I apparently took a road, less traveled or not, I do not know, but it has certainly made all the difference.